MY SUPERPOWERS..........
- Noreen Richard
- Feb 16, 2023
- 4 min read
Boundaries
I have not always had healthy boundaries. I have had to learn them over time. Here I am in 1979.....playing a prank on some university friends. Unfortunately, the people pranked did not think it funny at all. I had violated their boundaries by scaring them half to death.
As a young person my boundaries were violated in various ways. However, when I lived those situations I believed that was the way everyone was treated. I believed I did not matter. I did not have a perspective that I deserved better. Tiny glimpses of differences were tiny glimpses that got stored in the inner box of my being. My mind thought oh....that is different. It was only when I left the place of my birth that I began the process of taking small items out of the inner box, observing the contrasts.... often shoving them right back into that same box. It was a painful process of growth to go after what was in that inner box.
It would take me a long time before I could create boundaries for myself from the inside out. I had not learned that my body was my body and I had not learned that I could be safe in my body. I had not learned that when I said no the other person heard me and respected my no.
In my healing process, I was fortunate to be blessed with a woman by the name of Cléo Burke. As she and I journeyed together, we practiced physically setting up boundaries and I would listen to my body. Learn to listen to that inner voice we all have.
I learned the skill of having a body sense of boundaries. The work was difficult as I navigated both feeling the "no" message in my body and the "yes" message in my body. We took baby steps. These baby steps changed my life. They allowed me to know my "no".
As I learned my no and I became proficient at it. I was then ready to really know my "yes".
Outside of therapy, setting boundaries was hard both on me as the boundary setter and on the one experiencing the setting of my boundary. One of my deepest challenges around boundary setting was with my younger sister. One of my hugest gifts is the current relationship we now share. I believe this is in part due to setting my boundaries, standing firm with love as I taught them to her. Sharing with her my needs to not have certain people in my life. Also, it is the ability for my sister to meet my boundary with grace, eventual understanding, and love. It has been a journey of perseverance on both our parts. Yet it is also life giving to both sides of the equation. I am glad to know where I end, and she begins. I am glad to know from the inside out my no.
Another example of boundary setting is with friends who want me to be in the middle and take their side. I keep in my own lane and refuse to engage in that dynamic. It is hard. It is also hard when I am on the other end of one setting their boundary. I have experienced it from both sides as I am sure we all have.
I love that little word no. It is a complete sentence and so powerful. Through my healing process having my no respected has been the greatest gift and I am grateful to those who respected my no and held me gently, I can only hope that I too held other's no's as gently and compassionately.
Fast forward to 2023 and I have so much clarity in this area. Earlier in my life, I had set a boundary with yet another sibling and over time healing has taken place. In the summer of 2022, I was able to reconcile with that sibling and I feel confident that my boundaries are respected. I am grateful for the reconciliation and the possibilities afoot.
I am learning the boundaries I am setting for myself with myself help me to live the life I want to live. For example, I have the boundary of fasting. I fast from 6:00 pm to 10:00 am 90% of the time. Sometimes I shift that from 7:00 pm to 9:00 am when I am around others who observe a different schedule. I make my best efforts to stay to the 6:00 pm to 10:00 am and I am happy with that. I clarify my boundary with folks when I need to, and I have been given loads of grace. I am also flexible when I need to be as well.
What I have learned is that boundaries keep me safe. Reinforce that I matter and bring life into my world. They help me live my best life through the lens of love. I have pulled together some resources on boundaries from differ perspectives. I hope you take time to explore the resources. I hope for you that you have been on the journey of setting boundaries and have experienced the beauty of what they offer. I hope for you that you know your "no" and embrace your "yes"!
Resources:
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries for Beginners: How to Set and Keep Your Boundaries
Brené Brown Boundaries
Ted Talks:
Good boundaries free you | Sarri Gilman | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries
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