MY MARBLE WORLD
- Noreen Richard
- Nov 24, 2022
- 6 min read
My Marble world Created to feel loved Connected to other In the aloneness of my childhood
Welcome on a journey of my marble world.
welcome
to the world of my marbles
a world of working things out
working out—all the
complicated things
and not so complicated things
……things
that have
remained invisible
to the outside world
swirling round and round
inside my being
keeping me
disconnected
from my knowing
messages that shape me
causing me pain
yet the pain is hidden
from myself
much like the messages
attached to the marbles
invisible threads
that yank me to my past
keeping me small and vulnerable
I am grateful for my marbles
my marble world
a world that has held
more than its share
to protect me
so I could survive
learn to thrive
shifting my world
to one I can embrace
and make visible the invisible
I am grateful for my marbles
my marble world
keeps me safe
to this very day
when being safe
appears elusive
I am grateful for my marble world
for holding me gently
until………
I am ready
am able
to discover this world
and it’s hidden messages
until…….
I have explored
with the assistance of other
and processed to a point
where
I am ready
to explore
for myself
using the skills
I’ve learned over time
choosing to
lean into
what is there
allowing it to become visible
opening myself to the pain
releasing it back into the universe
I am grateful for my marble world
for holding me gently
until……..
I am willing to jump
eyes wide open
fully immersing myself
in that world
discovering
the universe inside
my being
taking risks
sharing what I now know
for once I share….
once it is reflected back
I hit a point
of no return
a point of owning
that I know what I know
deep inside my bones
to my very core
a deep knowing
which was always there
somewhere
the tiniest of voices
connected yet disconnected
from the day to day
reality I live
this is my journey over the last 20 days
a journey shaped
by entering my marble world
once again……
this time from a place
of knowing
on many, many levels
“I Matter”
yet knowing
I would be running into
messages of “I don’t matter”
pitting one against the other
in moments where I am unable
to hold onto my power
of mattering
this is my trek into
a world that reflected
me being seen
in the darkest of
darkest days
a world where I felt loved
the love of all my marble friends…….
On Tuesday 31 January 2017
I shared my marble world
on a whole new level
with Dr. Adriana Wilson
which means I shared my
marble world with myself
to a depth I was not able to
before
shared how the marbles hold
my rage
how my outer world shuts down that rage
leaving me physically cold
as if walking through snow drifts
on the coldest of coldest days
wearing next to nothing
as if I did not recognize
that summer turned into fall
fall turned into winter
I embrace the coldness
so I don’t have to
own the fire inside
burning wildly
the fire—which is volatile
unpredictable
the fire—I contain
so I don’t witness
its volcanic eruptions
the blowups
which can happen without notice
the fire—I contain
so there is an illusion
of its steadiness and slowness
within my being
allowing me to concentrate
on the quietness of the coldness
keeping me
void of feelings
I opened a window to a world
recognizing my inner rage
hidden from my own being
yet…..unhidden at the same time
AND for the first time
in a very long time
I see….with clarity
my beautiful, wonderful marble world
my many, many marbles
which have shaped me
through their eye of love
I see the eye of the individual marbles
that have held me with love shifting
before my eyes
giving way to experiencing
the tiny pupil
reflecting the containment
the energy of controlling
all that rage
holding it within the marble itself
the tiny pupil
reflecting the connection to a deeper rage
living outside the marble world
spewing fire from its volcano
passionate, volatile and capricious
sending ribbons of lava down the mountain side
into the Atlantic ocean…
creating a new land outside my marble world
reminding me of the disintegration of self
fear….runs through my veins
yet I hear a voice outside myself
that of Dr. Adriana Wilson
offering a new possibility
a possibility I struggle to hold onto
in the midst of my nuclear meltdown
the images in my brain of destruction beyond repair
I reach out and grasp the thread of possibilities she offers
the transformative power of the volcano
burning all that is in its path, making room for new growth
making fertile ground for something new and healthy
leaving in its wake many super nutritious elements
that will help me grow
into the person I am meant to be
I have a choice to connect to
the nuclear mass destruction
the destruction of self
reminding me of not mattering
in the realm of the world…thus
keeping me small and vulnerable
or
the unstoppable force and dramatic way
nature can shift and change the land in which I walk
a land that embraces—I matter
immersing me in my strong and healthy self
I have a choice to connect to
the rage and turn it into self harm
keeping me stuck
going back to a familiar
strategies to protect other(s)
teaching me through my choice
I don’t matter
or
I have a choice to connect to
feeling the rage, releasing it back into the universe
choosing to move my life forward
connecting to a strategy to protect myself
teaching me through my choice
I matter
I have beautiful, wonderful, magnificent marbles
windows into
altered worlds
My marble world
created to feel loved
connected to other
in the aloneness of my childhood
marbles…….
holding my anger, rage, fears and tears
holding them
for many many years
my marbles
often abandoned
as I grew up
and separated from
this wonderful creative
world of
my childhood imagination
yet reconnected
from time to time
over my whole life span
my marble world
created
to kept my soul
safe
in times of great distress
a world built
to hold my feelings
helping me separate
shut down
treating emotions
as other
separating them
from me
they have served
their purpose
and I am ever so grateful
as I enter once again
this marble world
sharing this world
I see reflected
a rage that is so
powerful that
I feel it burning down the whole fucking world
—a rage so powerful that it
remains hidden in some of the
solid colored marbles
that have no window to the rage
however are still influenced by it
the yesterday of many yesterdays
20 sleeps of yesterdays past
I shared my marble world
the one within my own mind
I am making connections to the suppression of
my rage
the suppression of fears and tears
all a reflection of keeping other protected
not outing them
sacrificing me
so they are protected
which leaves me not
I am modeling what I have been taught
once again, treating myself
in ways that give me the message
that “I don’t matter”
I am making connections to the suppression of rage
how it is…..
keeping me small and scared
and I know
THIS IS NOT GOING TO CONTINUE
it is time to embrace my rage
change it
into something beautiful
transform my rage
through actions
as a phoenix arising from the ashes
where I allow my old self
to die in a show of flames and combustion
rising once again to
—live the life I want to live
—from a place of mattering
not just in this moment but in every moment
making decisions through this lens
it is time to walk on this new land
opening in the wake of the volcano
erupting from within
it is time to walk on this new land
releasing the marbles from containing
all that rage
taking back into my being the energy
available from that release
it is time to allow
the barriers within my own mind
to burn
so all the options
can be seen
be sorted
where
I choose which ones
I want to come to fruition
from my strong and healthy self
it is time to take back my power
the power to change the dynamics
of my life
it is time to use all the tools in my tool box
facing all challenges
through the lens of love
calling upon those who love me
to support me
helping me
live out my values
from a place of commitment
recognizing that life is a journey
not from point a to point b
it is a cyclical one
defined by moments of happiness
loss, suffering and hope
it is a one of change
one of new patterns
one of finding new states of balance
it is one of taking action
life is a journey
of small and sometimes large deaths
where we get to be reborn
in this life time
as I journey towards releasing my rage
dying to the beliefs I hold
I embrace the possibilities
that I will rise from the ashes
stronger and wiser
embracing a new me
the groundbreaker
of my future
finding freedom
in the dying
20 February 2017
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